Tuesday, October 04, 2005

An anniversary of sorts

Five years ago today my entire right side was numb. Five years ago today my right arm was so numb and weak I couldn't write out the invoices for the dogs I was taking home that night. Five years ago today was the last day I officially worked for DTD. I damn near forgot about it.

Went to the doctor this morning to follow up on the Lexapro thing. Her thought is just that I am terribly sensitive to SSRIs. Yeah, it would lead one to wonder if perhaps I just don't need one if it effects me that drastically but there is the whole potential for MS benefits thing so we decided to leave it at 5mg for the time being and reevaluate in a few weeks.

I've been communicating with CPG a bit. No decisions. Nothing has changed. I'm still pretty much at I don't know that I have any interest in being with someone who would treat me this way and you're not saying or doing anything to assure me that you wouldn't do it again and he is still not fully accepting that he did this - at least to my way of thinking.

I mean, he apologized but he's still saying things like, "you were being mean and snippy."

Me: You were being weird and distant.
Him: I've been depressed and that's how it effects me.
Me: Well, you being weird and distant effects me by making me a little mean and snippy.

He has some really, really good qualities. But, this was a big deal and I never, ever deserve to be treated this way.


Anonymous Ms. A.R. said...

Our memory processes register things more deeply that are either very exciting or very traumatic. Something to do with adrenaline. Wish I could remember the details I read, but I can't remember where I read it. (Guess it wasn't exciting or traumatic to read it. ;>D ) I accept it as true, though, because I tend to remember everything that ever hurt me with more clarity than anything else.

Anyway -- I'd like for you to consider that it might be less important to remember that five yrs. ago all those traumatic things were happening, than it is to remember that for five years, things have not been that extremely bad. Please don't think I'm in any way discounting the frightening nature of the MS diagnosis, because I wouldn't do that. I'm only suggesting that the natural fear and dread of a recurrence or progression of the disease process might have prevented you from noticing that your strength of spirit has kept you going, in progressively more positive directions, for FIVE YEARS. I know you live with projected statistics about the course of MS, which no doubt feeds your fears. The thing is, statisticians deal with generalities, and can't account for your personal experience. They don't know you.

I'm rambling as usual, but I'm really trying to congratulate you on five years of strength and persistence. Also attempting to nudge you to shift your focus more to the positive power within yourself, that I believe can continue to hold you up through physical issues, and can see you through your relationship dramas as well. I'm celebrating your triumph this far, and am really glad to be among your friends. (Can you tell that I, too, love you to pieces?)

12:39 PM  
Blogger mdmhvonpa said...

Insert nervious tic here ...

1:16 PM  
Blogger Contentious Chic said...

Ms. A.R. my point was that I almost forgot about the anniversary :-)

LOL mdmh, I had two facial tics with that first flare up, one at my eyebrow and one on my cheek. Drove me NUTS!

7:11 PM  
Anonymous Ms. A.R. said...

Okay...then, uh, never mind??

5:06 AM  
Blogger Becca said...

Good for you "almost" forgetting. I "almost" forgot myself because I'm never sure which day I'm supposed to remember as the anniversary! The day I started having the double vision, or the day I had the MRI, or the day I got the results of the MRI, or the day I was diagnosed...take your pick. In any event, it's a good thing not to spend too much time dwelling on it, for good or for bad. It just is...

10:58 AM  
Blogger Contentious Chic said...

I do October 4 as the first day I got sick/last day I worked at the kennel and January 8 as the diagnosis day. I can remember the first because I have a very clear memory of bursting into tears when I realized I couldn't write out the invoices and came to the realization that there was really, really something wrong with me and the second was an early birthday present of sorts so it's easy to remember.

2:31 PM  
Blogger Sally said...

Right on sister!

1:03 PM  

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