Monday, August 08, 2005


Only three hours tonight but there was an earlier, briefer call.

I am falling so hard, so fast and it's so scary.

I told him that the thought of just not talking to him anymore until I was physically present had crossed my mind and we discussed why I felt like that and got into MS stuff and finally he was just saying that I needed to just not worry and obsess so much and I said that that was just soooo hard for me and he said, "well, what can I do to help you?"

Oh. My. Gawd.

I was literally speechless. Not a common occurrence with me. He continued into the long pause with, "I'm sorry but this is obviously troubling you and if nothing else I think at this point we can say that we're friends if nothing else so I want to know what I can do to help you so that it isn't troubling to you."

He doesn't want me worried and stressed and freaking out and rather than either attacking the fact that I am or just being totally put off by it he thinks that I have enough good qualities that he want to know what he can do to alleviate my concern.

Since one of my biggest concerns is that this is getting too intense, too fast and in this particular way that things will just absolutely fall apart when we do meet. That has to be the longest sentence fragment in history but I couldn't come up with punctuation that would make sense to add in the rest of the sentence: he came up with no more than 20 minute phone conversations between now and meeting so I still get to talk to him which, ooooh, I love talking to him. I don't like his speaking voice anymore than I did initially but oooh were so right. So, I still get to talk to him but things can't be intense and weird.

I told him that basically my greatest fear about the MS in terms of relationship stuff is that there isn't anything about me that counters the negatives of dealing with someone with MS and I don't want to inflict the MS on anyone else. So, on the one hand I'm afraid that no one would ever love me enough to deal with the MS stuff and on the other hand I don't want anyone I love to have to deal with it. Kind of a catch-22.

He said I'm special...and not in a special bus way. Gotta love it when someone can make you swoon and laugh all at the same time. I'm lame, I just said, "aww, that is so sweet, thank you." I had said it as a joke, something about "see, I'm special" and he said, very intently, "you are special."

This is going to suck so bad when it doesn't work out.


Blogger Debra said...

First off, even though we've never met, I think you are freaking awesome, and yes, special in the non-special-bus way. A smart woman who stands by her opinions is always high on my list.

Second.. well, I'll send you an That will fill in the rest of the blanks in what hasn't been posted on TB and will make everything make more sense. Sort of.

5:24 AM  
Blogger Mia's Mom said...

"...And I found out a long time ago
what a (man) can do to your soul
Ah, but (he) can't take you anyway
You don't already know how to go
and I gotta peaceful, easy feeling
and I know you won't let me down
'cause I'm already standing on the ground
I get this feeling I may know you
as a lover and a friend
but this voice keeps whispering
in my other ear, tells me
I may never see you again
'cause I get a peaceful, easy feeling
and I know you won't let me down
'cause I'm already standing on the ground
'cause I'm already standing...
on the ground" ~Eagles

8:27 AM  
Blogger Contentious Chic said...

Sort of, indeed Debra, make sure you take care of yourself though 'cause you are quite special to me and hey, I'm gonna need you guys to help pick up the pieces when this doesn't work out :)

Jess, that's totally what it feels like too, so how can something that is so nice prompt such feelings of terror?!?

11:04 AM  
Blogger mdmhvonpa said...

Look forward, not backwards. The future is an unwritten script and you have the pen. Oh, and not the 'Giant Kindergarten Special Short Bus' kind of pen either, one of the nice ink cartridge for calligraphy kind.

12:48 PM  
Blogger Pup said...

Hehe... Short bus.

That's funny :)

2:50 PM  
Blogger Debra said...

lol We seem to have our own cross-country support group going on here, huh?

I'll be here with a broom and dust pan. :p

1:31 AM  
Blogger mdmhvonpa said...

CLEANUP IN AISLE 6 ... spilled milk -n- tears ...

9:14 AM  
Blogger Becca said...

Geez, I go away on a faux vacation and look what happens while I'm gone. Don't worry, Barrie, it's all good, sometimes things happen this way. I "met" Mike on AOL in 1997 and didn't actually see him in person until six months later! (He lived in Atlanta, I was in Buffalo.) Here we are eight years later...who could imagine? You progressed to the telephone much more quickly, though. I think that took us at least a month or two to work up the nerve. It sounds funny now...

10:21 AM  
Blogger Contentious Chic said...

See above Becca, we are totally speeding right through this! Gives me quite a bit of hope that you and Mike managed it though! I've never known anyone with a nice, normal relationship from the online thing. Were you petrified to meet him? I've met two people I was interested in online and one I was totally uninterested in in the 3d world, the other was totally uninterested in me. Tips?

You'd like him Pup, he's smart and funny and a Democrat :)

You always know the right thing to say mdmh :)

11:12 AM  
Blogger Becca said...

I'll email you later with the boring details. ;)

11:32 AM  

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