Wednesday, August 10, 2005

Choices

Freaking out? Scale of one to ten...maybe a six or seven?

But that's a normal day for me, right?

Don't yell. I know Ms. A.R. is going to yell. I gave CPG the BIA URL. I know. The second I did it I began a litany of that was so stupid, I'm a fucking idiot, moron... But, you know what he asked me last night when I said something about the comments? He asked if he could look. He's like an actual adult. I don't even know what to do with that! He and Anthony are bonding in the comments ;)

So yeah, when this doesn't work out I'm going to have to start a new anonymous blog and Brian will have to change his links again so I can safely bitch and rant and vent. I guess I can just move back to TPB.

I don't know what I'm doing.

I'm staying up way too late. Having insanely intense conversations on the phone that should almost undoubtedly wait until we're face to face. He keeps trying to convince me that I'm worth all this trouble and I know that I'm not. I'm just me and I'm kinda, sorta a mess.

On the one hand I really am genuinely trying to make sure he understands that he's dealing with a little mini disaster in the making but on the other hand I'm petrified that in doing so I will actually run him off.

When I had an online thing once before I didn't want to meet the guy because I wanted to look better than I did before I met him. I'm a lot more comfortable in my skin now about physical appearance. Now it's more that I want to actually be someone who is worth all this trouble before he meets me. In the first case, at least you can think that if you just don't eat for a couple of weeks it'll make it all better but I can't exactly fix a lifetime of low self confidence and self-defeating behavior in two weeks.

I have a sick feeling that he thinks that I can.

I think my big fear is that if I let someone fix me, I will lose whatever it is that makes me me. So, while I understand that there are things about my behavior that need to be fixed I'm afraid that without those things I won't be who I am anymore and I don't exactly know how to be anyone else.

Like, I always thought that DTD had all the power in our relationship and even though I understood that my obsession with him was a way for me to avoid a real relationship or intimacy I didn't think about the fact that that was also a way for me to control that relationship. I didn't think about the fact that he knew if he pushed for anything more I would have run screaming and since he was married I had a valid excuse for it at hand.

I've always seen myself as more "willing victim" in that situation than being in the driver's seat. I have a lot invested in that picture but change the perspective a little bit and does it tell an entirely different story? I don't actually know.

Wow, when I say I'm going to start a new blog to move forward I'm not playin' around, hunh.

I feel like this is either going to be what I need to take that last step into being a fully funtioning person or it's going to blow up in my face and I'm going to run back into my dark, little cave with a few more scars than I have now.

Oh, and the bird. That was the choice that started me on this particular path remember. This remarkable little two ounce feathered creature. She's so tiny to have changed so many things for me. It's an awful burden for anything that fragile to carry. First it was just such a lovely validation of me as a PS that my client would entrust me with her. Then it was a real last straw with mother. Then BTD which got me really re-evaluating what I want because he is a prime example of what I had so do I hide in the safety of that or do I ignore the bait and move on. Then CPG. The unfair thing being that I don't know that I did ignore the bait so much or if I just ran up on better bait. At least I saw that it was better bait?

I get some credit, right?

The bird is moulting. How poetic is that!

4 Comments:

Blogger Pup said...

First of all, no one can fix you. People can help you realize what needs to be fixed, and help with strategies on how to fix things, but in the end, only you can fix yourself.

Not that you asked, but be careful. Someone that gets that intense that quickly is a big red flag.

3:17 PM  
Blogger Contentious Chic said...

Pup, I don't mean that he so much wants to fix me as that I feel like I'm in danger of latching onto almost anyone willing to give me a hand. In an unhealthy way. I've made a LOT of progress in the last year. I guess there's just no way to know if I've made enough until I take the next step.

Dude. Your state just voted for ID as the offical creation theory :(

6:52 PM  
Blogger Debra said...

"The bird is moulting. How poetic is that!"

Like Pheonix from the ashes...

ID? Wha.. huh?

1:12 AM  
Anonymous Angie said...

"I'm just me and I'm kinda, sorta a mess."

Stop that. You're not a mess. You're just human, so stop being so hard on yourself.

4:21 PM  

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