Friday, August 12, 2005


I'm stealing from the little engine that could but that is what the voice in my head has been whispering for the last day or so.

I'm just realizing that I've never actually had an adult relationship. Like, I understand them in theory but in practice it is entirely alien to me.

CPG patiently listened to me ramble for over an hour last night until I finally got around to the point that I'm not comfortable being in a position where I could fail another person and by doing so cause them harm.

So now I'm not only petrified that he's going to break my heart but that he would give me the power to do that to him.

He says from the very first conversation I've been saying, "don't trust me."

He's right and I don't know where this image of myself as being so untrustworthy is coming from. That is the card the 'rents played the night that mother followed me to the birds' house. I pointed out that I was only a half an hour late and daddy said, "but you've gotten so reliable that it was unusual enough for us to be worried" which I thought was patently unfair and ridiculous.

When was I so terribly unreliable anyway? Unreliable = passive agressive and that is not my role in the family.

I'm unreliable about money. Like, when I get credit card offers I'm just like, "seriously?!? how fucking stupid are you all? did you not even run a credit check on me??"

But on normal day to day stuff I'm pretty fucking reliable. People routinely entrust me with their homes and their pets. DTD leaves his house and his business in my sole guardianship with apparently fairly little concern.

If anything, I would say that the family roles are G as being the ubersmart, creative, unreliable one and me as being the practical, "oh Mikey will eat it" member of the family. When we were children my mother referred to us as the poet and the pragmatist.

Shit, I've gotta go walk dogs and now I'm just rambling but where does this fear of being so unreliable/untrustworthy that I would fail someone in a relationship come from and how do I overcome that? Is CPG just a step in the right direction or the ultimate destination?

Thanks for listening and for playing along in the demise of TPB :)

Don't worry, only fourteen days left.


Blogger Debra said...

"So now I'm not only petrified that he's going to break my heart but that he would give me the power to do that to him."

I adore you, but stop stealing things out of my head! *grins*

One day at a time... it never really kills us, just feels that way when things go very bad.

8:09 PM  
Blogger mdmhvonpa said...

HAIL, HAIL, The king is dead ... Long Live the New King.

11:57 AM  

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