Yesterday

This is going to be brief. I haven't even begun to sort through the emotions yet and I'm working on less than four hours of sleep.

The day before yesterday, CPG had some stuff of his own and was a bit off. Okay, people have off days. I feel like he probably could have finnessed whatever it was out of me if the situation were reversed but okay, whatever, I gave it my best shot. Yesterday morning afternoon, we're chatting in IM and not quite completely out of the blue but not exactly in keeping with the level of conversation, he asks, "why aren't you in therapy."

That's what prompted my question. His answers are 7ish, 4 and five. Putting me considerably out of the range of normal and himself on some higher plane or whatever. I start to get defensive. He starts to get adamant about therapy being necessary. And he's comparing me to past girlfriends. Even though his response whenever I say something like that is, "well I'm not X so why would I behave like X?" I say the same thing to him and he says, "because that's how you're behaving." Again, he gets to decide when this is a correct assessment and I don't.

So, I'm a little pissed at that point and I send him an email explaining how I feel. He responds with an email defending his position. I shoot off another one trying to get him to really understand:

Do you understand that what I hear when you say this is, "fix the problems that you have or else." That puts me in an extraordinarily defensive position. And, not only are you demanding that I fix
something, you're telling me that you will only accept your way of doing it.

I call him later that afternoon and he's out flying his bird. Says he'll call when he gets home. Several hours later - I've had this before with him but I'm putting that one down to general guy, sucks at basic communication thing - he calls and doesn't say anything about my last email. Fine. I am not going to be the one to bring it up.

Finally we get around to discussing it. Come to the conclusion that it was merely miscommunication. Okay. I'll accept that. We have a fairly stilted chat. I'm starting to get worried that we won't have anything to talk about when he visits because the only things we ever talk about are the bird list, my problems, the visit itself and sex. We have a little phone sex interlude and I can tell that he's not actually engaged despite the fact that I've told him how much that bothers me because of the whole DTD thing especially since he instigated it, not I. But, fine, whatever.

We hang up and go to sleep but I can't fall asleep and get up to check my email. He IMs me and we're back on a really nice happy plane. Until. He starts in on me for smoking. He's known that I smoke from the getgo. He can't tolerate it. Claims adult onset asthma. Okay, I won't smoke around you. Hates the taste of it as well. Okay, I'll brush my teeth or use one of those listerine pocket pack things after every cigarette. Okay, that'll work.

Last night he says it won't work. Brushing my teeth won't get rid of the taste. Why can't I chew the gum instead. WTF? We already discussed this. I know but now I care more. Hunh? Why do you care more about the smoking now? No, he cares more about the possibility of this working out between us.

It's now four in the morning, I'm all confused and freaking out. He calls. Says that he was lying when he said that not smoking around him and brushing my teeth would solve the problem. That he won't want to kiss me under those circumstances.

Okay. I'll tell you right now that no one is having sex without the holding and kissing part.

You have no idea how close I was to saying, "I think maybe you're the one who should skedaddle back to therapy since you clearly have a pattern of wanting women to change FOR you despite claims to the contrary. Your mother couldn't/wouldn't/whatever. I don't think I'm the one who can't have an adult relationship here."

If I'm going to blog it I might as well have said it 'cause he's going to read that and be all hurt. And I'm not sorry. I don't want the guy I was talking to last night coming into my house, upsetting my life and making me feel awful about myself.

I want the guy I was talking to initially who was kind and funny and so fucking sweet and who I thought could hold my hand while I ventured out into the real world to come visit. I wanted this to be the exception to the damn rule.

It's a nonfuckingrefundable ticket.

He asked if he should get the refundable one and I thought he wanted to know whether I was going to trip out and back out. Actually I have gotten calmer and more together steadily over the course of the last two weeks. He's gotten more difficult and less supportive and way, way more demanding. As soon as I get even mildly comfortable at whatever level we're at he bumps it up to a level I'm not going to be comfortable with. This is sooo shades of DTD.

And yes, I do need to quit smoking but that is not the point.

He was really on the twenty pounds I need to lose until I stopped being upset that he's cuter than I think I am. Once that no longer got any real reaction he dropped it. He starts in on the therapy thing until I bring that into the public eye with my poll - no one is ever going to isolate me to manipulate me again. Then he chooses to go after smoking. Even though we had already had that conversation and worked out a solution for the time being. And, if he lied about that and exagerated his feelings at that point in time...

He's claiming that he's taking the stance to "stack the deck in our favor." Okay, and what would you call the fact that I am willing to not smoke in my house or my car. To go outside and to brush my teeth after every cigarette? That's not me trying to make this work? You can't give just a little bit? He says, "I've always said the smoking was a problem." Yes, but you also always said that if I smoked outside and brushed my teeth that would solve the immediate problem.

I was being honest. I was honest about smoking. I'm honest about my problems and faults and whatnot. Honesty is the best policy. I'm willing to fight it out. I really can't lie.

Okay, this was so not brief.

And I still don't have any idea what to do about anything.

I've been walking around for a couple of weeks with this tiny, secret, someone really special cares about me feeling.

Now I just feel tired.