Saturday, August 20, 2005

Interlude And A Crisis Of Sorts

Before I started chatting with CPG I had seen a photo of him on a website. He was cute. I sent G the link and he and I both thought that CPG looked like G's friend A who I had a crush on when I was a kid. Cute. Non-threatening.

Then we start chatting and I discover that he's smart, funny and kind. Cool. So is A. Still cute, non-threatening and now amusing.

So, I send him the picture I hate of me playing frisbee with Fancy 'cause you can see my totally untoned, pudgy tummy and flabby arms and all of that. His response: oh, you're cute.

Great, we're on the same page.

A few nights later I complain that I don't have a photo showing any detail on his face. He sends me a photo where he looks as old as he says he is and slightly less cute than I thought he was. Okay. That's fine. He's still cute in a snuggly way, still un-threatening.

We go through all the stuff with my sending the photo the night before last and arguing, albeit mildly, about my motivation for doing so. I decide that he's maybe not as cute, funny, smart or kind as I might have initally thought. But, we work through it. He's still the same guy I've been talking to every night for two weeks.

Last night he was out and I was playing with design ideas for a website we are doing for his bird. I pulled what I think is an excellent concept and design out of my ass. I'd been piddling with it for a week and just couldn't come up with anything that I thought would really engage the user until I suddenly did last night.

It's a bit of a high to get those brainstorms and hit your stride in a design.

So, he comes home, looks at the design, listens to the concept and is pleased with both.

He's sending me some photos he got of his bird in the park and three of them are shots of him.

He's hot.

Not cute. Not snuggly. More like Jason Lee, slightly intimidatingly, fucking hot.

So I'm all, "what was with the snuggly/safe photo from the other night?"

He's all, "how do I not look safe?"

He doesn't look safe 'cause he so fucking far out of my league.

And I couldn't say it. He's going to be mad 'cause this is the first time I just coudln't talk it out with him and blogged it instead and he's going to read this and be mad that I couldn't discuss it with him.

I was so obsessed with DTD for so long and that was the foundation of what we had. He was hot and not interested in me and only barely tolerated my presence. All the little fucked up sex games were, according to him, because he felt sorry for me. Imagine, a guy just made you come like crazy, has no real response to it and says that he did it because, "you got such a kick out of it." This is not a confidence builder. I know it speaks as much to how fucked up DTD is as it does to anything to do with me. I know that. It's still hard as hell to wipe his voice out of my head.

And CPG will say, "but I'm not DTD so why would I behave the way that he did?"

I know that. But that doesn't mean that there is no way he couldn't behave like DTD.

I know this is melodramatic because if when he comes to visit he's like, "eew, you're fat, I don't want to fuck a fat chic" it isn't the end of the world. But, I just don't know how much more of that I can survive before I just curl up in a little ball and refuse to see or talk to anyone ever again.

Plus, as much as he thinks I intentionally sent an unflattering photo, I think he did too! My motive was to go ahead and let him get scared off before he got here. I think his was to put me more at ease.

I've got to be the only girl on the planet upset to discover that the guy who wants to have sex with her is hotter than she thought he was.


Blogger Shelly said...

I think I'm gonna have to visit you so I can smack you upside your head. There are no leagues to be in. Guys are either jerks or not. Looks shouldn't matter. While my hubby isn't hot, he's cute enough, but when he told me he thinks I'm cute (when we were first dating), I thought he was nuts because I didn't and still don't see it. No matter. There's no accounting for the people who are attracted to each other and it's not just physical looks.

It's being comfortable talking to someone, feeling respect for and from another person, and when you get to meet, pheromones.

Maybe he'll turn out to be a jerk, but give him the chance to prove himself one way or the other. Working yourself up into a tizzy now does no good but can do a lot of bad if it puts and keeps negative thoughts in your head.

You should always be a bit wary of guys you meet online, but try to not let yourself go nuts and obsess about this. It will be what it will be. I didn't meet my hubby til I was 30 and we got married two years later. And I met him after I figured I would never meet the right guy.

11:56 AM  
Blogger Debra said...

In addition to Shelly's good advice, here's something from me:

Okay... sweetheart, listen up.

A guy does not travel that far to turn a girl down. It doesn't happen. A girl on the other hand, can and will if she feels like it. We're the evil ones here. As far as I'm concerned, you need to get it through your head that you are a wonderful, desirable person and he is coming all this way. To. See. You! Go with what feels right to you!

On a shallow note, apparently thick chicks are the in thing right now. Who knows. I've always been one of the thick chicks and trends aren't something I tend to follow.

You are the only girl on the planet who thinks that- hotness is a good thing. Enjoy it! hehe

1:45 PM  
Blogger Contentious Chic said...

Okay, you guys are totally right and I completely recognize that I'm being insane. And, I know that if I don't stop tripping out over completely ridiculous stuff I'm never going to know if he's as incredible (and hot, did I mention HOT?!?) as I think he is because he's going to decide that I'm right, I'm really NOT worth all this fuss and bother.

But, I don't know how to make myself stop.

We've covered that I sent him a photo displaying pretty much all physical faults. I thought that was my panic, that somehow he thought I looked different than I do from the frisbee photo. But he's seen me, bad hair day, saggy boobs and all and he still wants to be with me.

But, I'm still freaking out so that wasn't "it." There's something else at the root of this and if I don't figure out what it is then I'm afraid that I'm just going to keep freaking out.

Not only do I want to stop because sooner or later that will run him off but I want to stop for me too.

You guys are so sweet and so caring and really the best blogging friends a girl could have :) Hey Shel, if I make it up your way to visit with CPG can we go out for chocolate malts?

2:14 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

i thinkn the difference is that he sent the pictures he did because he is comfortable with himself. and he, recognizing your discomfiture with yourself thought that you were trying to show yourself in as bad a light as possible to that he would be scared off. and also he knows i think one thing that you seem to be missing, that you have total control of your physical being of how and what it looks like and what you project to the world. but YOU have to take the control and not set yourself up for being rejected because you're too this or not enough that. unless of course that is what you want. in other words if you feel that strongly about it, do something about it.

just my 2 cents

3:10 PM  
Blogger Shelly said...

Hon, you make it to NYC, I'll invite you (and CPGm, if you want) over and make you my special malteds.

As for stopping the driving yourself nuts bit, find something else to occupy your mind. Anything healthy, that is. Work on the websites, do some more training, work on publicizing your business, read a book, anything. If you're busy, the time will go faster.

Also, the time my hubby thought I was at my cutest was when I was meeting him after work when we were still dating. It was raining, I was drenched and had the hood of my sweatshirt up, and I was a mess. He said I was adorable that way. No figuring men sometimes. :)

4:49 PM  
Blogger Contentious Chic said...

Um yeah anonymous, two words: Shark Ray ;)

7:12 PM  
Blogger Contentious Chic said...

Shelly, I don't mean just right now. I mean always, in general. I so want a chocolate malt now though!

7:13 PM  

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