Sunday, August 21, 2005

One hundred and twenty.

Hours. I have one hundred and twenty hours until CPG arrives.

Holy. Fuck.

I keep looking around slightly helplessly at the house.

I managed to get the entire house cleaner than I've ever had it before BDTD visited and I was working full time. G did help a lot over that Thanksgiving weekend but mostly the spare bedroom and CPG and I have already decided I don't need to worry about that room. I've gotta stay focused here.

Yes, again with the lists.
  1. Bathroom must be inspection ready by Monday for plumber*
  2. Kitchen table must be cleared off by Monday
  3. Cobwebs and dog hair must be cleaned from living room, kitchen and hallway by Monday, i.e., sweep/mop
That gives me Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday to:
  1. Get the bedroom dedoghaired
  2. Pick up and wash all the clothes on the floor in the bedroom, that said, I'm going to do something I have never done before and let you all see just how monumental this task really is.
  3. Go to the grocery store.
  4. Get my hair trimmed.
  5. Get the kitchen and hall really, really cleaned like I did with the living room a couple of months ago.

Oh fuck. I'm never going to get all this done am I? Plus I have to stop smoking in the house...again...even when the bird is up. And, get the dogs accustomed to not sleeping on the bed.

Someone, please, just shoot me, k?

You know how the bird is moulting? And will now let me pet her? Since she doesn't have a bird flock, apparently I am in charge of helping her with her pin feathers which are the ones on her head that she can't preen herself. So. Tiny. Oh, and add cleaning off the keyboard to the list of things I should do 'cause it's pretty skanky looking.

Plus working on CPG's site.

Plus my normal dog walks.

I can do this. Right? It's gonna be okay. He's not going to hate me or care that I'm a slob.

See, BDTD said he wouldn't but he was snarky and awful. Both about my physical appearance and that I'm a slob.

Yes, CPG, thank you, I am aware that both things are things that I could fix and then I wouldn't have this over and over. But, once you have had someone reject you over those types of things it becomes increasingly important to know that the people you care about wouldn't and to not fix them for someone.

Part of it is the MS. That's not something I can control or fix. And, I had one too many people care about me until the MS. So, maybe it's a passive agressive thing: if you can't love me despite an extra 20 pounds and being a total slob, how could I possibly depend on you when the chips are really down?

But then why do I stress over the twenty pounds and my mess of a house?


I just don't know.

I could sleep for one hundred and twenty hours and then I wouldn't have to be all freaked out and stressed and miserable.


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