Thursday, August 18, 2005

What if I can't?

Because I can't just let myself stay happy. I'm so paranoid that the universe is out to get me and that if I actually feel happy the universe will know and feel the need to put me in my place by ruining whatever makes me happy. So I try to either not actually be happy or go ahead and ruin whatever it is before the universe can beat me to it.

I've never felt this way about anyone before.

God. He's so great.

How could anyone who's so smart and so together and funny and kind and just could someone like that care about me in any way that isn't just pity? I'm trying to be so uberhonest with him because I keep thinking that somehow I must have said or done something to make him think there is something about me that would merit his attention. When I know there isn't.

I'm so terrified that this isn't real and I'm going to fall apart when I discover that. I'm so terrified that it is real and I'm going to lose this chance with this incredible person that I think I could really love and who could really love me.

Okay, he's starting to get a little tired of dealing with this and y'all know how I do love to make a list so here are all the things I'm scared/worried about. Maybe if I just say them I can quit freaking out about them every five minutes and just know they're there but not have to keep reminding myself of them:
  1. I'm afraid he won't be attracted to me.
  2. I'm afraid I won't be attracted to him.
  3. I'm afraid that I'm not ready for this.
  4. I'm afraid that I will sabotage the relationship before it can even get started.
  5. I'm afraid that I will let him down.
  6. I'm afraid that I will let myself down.
  7. I'm afraid that I can't be the person that he thinks I am or thinks I could be.
  8. I'm afraid that I'm not worth anyone loving me.
  9. I'm afraid that I am worth loving because then that would mean I would have to be a whole, functional person and let's face it, my screwed-up-ness is the only really special thing about me.
  10. I'm afraid that I will let myself love him and as a result need him and when the chips are down he'll flake out on me. Seriously, how can people take that risk? How can you risk depending on someone? Do you all not see how dangerous that is?!? I know I'm not that trustworthy.
  11. I'm afraid that I'm really not trustworthy and he'll let me hurt him.
  12. I'm afraid that I'll let him build me up and then I'll want to move beyond that.
  13. I'm afraid that I'll turn into my mother.

Ending on the mother thing and 13 seems too symbolic to pass up.

Okay, deep breath. There isn't really anything I can do about most of that except deal with it. If I can't ever learn to trust anyone I'm going to spend my entire life in this crappy little apartment sitting in front of the computer and fantasizing about stupid bird trainers or dog trainers or whatever asshole I get obsessed with because they aren't actually a real person. I don't want that for me.

I want to be a whole person. I want to love someone who loves me back. I want someone to spend my life with. I want to be a little annoyed sometimes that they're a teensy bit defensive/stubborn/proud and still love them and still trust that they will be there for me when I need them. I want to love someone who isn't perfect and have them love me even though I'm not perfect either.

I want to accept the support and caring someone is willing to offer without questioning it constantly.


Anonymous Anonymous said...

see i think its all about how your neuroses fit with the other person's. i think its the little things that can really make or break a Relationship and if they work well together then its all downhill from there. and if they don't you have trouble. so i guess the question i would ask is how do my quirks work for him and vice versa.

just a thought.

2:51 PM  
Blogger anthonygrieco said...

whether it goes bad or not it's still living life. I've been screwed 1000 times but I'm still around. No matter what happens it has to be better than feeling nothing. Half the things on your list are things you can overcome in a short time if they should go bad for you. Hell half the folks your age have probably already been divorced/hurt/ dumped more than once, and they still live productive lives. There comes a time to quit obsessing over what "may happen" and just live life as it is. Damn I could see me worrying after all the bad realtionships I've had but you've been out of the game a while so you should be happy to try somthing new...

7:12 PM  
Blogger anthonygrieco said...

By the way, Number "12" is one of the common reasons women has left me- they don't need me to build them up anymore... You need to try to enjoy your life a little and quit worrying so much- you like the guy so give it a chance and just calm down a little...

7:15 PM  
Blogger Debra said...

Tell you what- I'll take your place and get this guy all cozy for you and you take my place and break up with my nice boy that I'm just not into... deal?

12:19 AM  
Blogger mdmhvonpa said...

you really aught to put that list on paper and then burn it. really.

10:03 AM  
Blogger Pup said...

Not to try to be a psychologist or anything, but there are reasons people repeat patterns of behaviors, or have repeated patterns of behavior acted on to them.

Simply thinking the next one will be different doesn't really work.

11:20 AM  
Blogger Contentious Chic said...

Pup, is that in response to my post or in response to a comment? 'Cause if it is in response to the post, what would your suggestion be? Give up? Go to a shrink? What?

Debra, no deal :)

LOL mdmh :)

11:41 AM  

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