Friday, August 19, 2005

It'll be fun...right?

I'm accustomed to a fairly low level of constant stress/panic/tension. When BDTD came to visit it was just that on a higher level. With CPG I'm on this rollercoaster. Complete panic. It'll be ok...if it's a weekend fling, it's a weekend fling. Complete dispair. In between all of those are these beautiful moments of calm/relaxed/peace.

I sent him an email yesterday. With a photo that Rob, Anthony and Pup would probably like to see. No, I'm not posting it. The email was a list of five things I've never told anyone.

I meant it to get the things which make me the absolute most insecure out of the way. Apparently he felt like I had laid out a minefield and expected him to figure out how to walk through it without a map or a flak vest. And, he thought it was self sabotaging behavior.

I will admit that by revealing the photo and list of five things I did feel like I ran the risk of him deciding once and for all that I'm right and there isn't any reason for him to be all into me. But, I did not intend it as the trap that he seemed to think it was.

I was saying, "are you really sure?" He heard, "I hate myself and think you should too."

I don't hate myself. I just don't like myself as much as he seems to.

For about a half an hour I really thought that was it. He would come to visit. I'd fuck him because...well, just because. He'd go back home. I'd go back to my little life, he'd go back to flying his bird in Central Park.

I almost felt relieved, honestly.

A lot less pressure.

More on the line of my comfort level.

I wouldn't have to make adult decisions.

Okay, given that, maybe the email was self sabotaging behavior. Or at least intended to bring things down to a level I was more comfortable with.

During that half hour I kinda shut down. Went to a default I don't care. DTD would have bullied me out of that: fine, be tough girl, I'm not fooling with you. CPG got me to a place I've never been before: he got me to offer criticism of him. In my world that is just not acceptable. Not at all a safe thing to do. The only time I will openly criticize someone is if they make me really, really angry.

In my world, criticism is meant to be hurtful, not at all helpful...ever. Criticism is all about there is something totally wrong with the person being criticized. They need to fix that before they can be loved. If you are critical of someone, they are not worthy of being loved.

It's never, I love you AND I think you would be happier if.

It is always an assault.

And if you respond, you will pay for it later.

The only acceptable response is, "you're right, I'm sorry I'm so pathetic."

To Be Continued...


Blogger Debra said...

Consider yourself hugged and loved. No strings, no ifs, ands, or buts.

1:48 PM  

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